Episode 30: The Divorce Warrior
There are infinite blog articles and guides on how to plan a wedding and have a happy marriage. However, when the unthinkable happens, many of us are left to figure out how to end a marriage and cope with it on our own. On this episode, Elizabeth and business/life coach Danny J talk about their stories and how to emerge from a divorce wiser, stronger, and ready to take on the world.
2:30 - It’s common, and definitely not easy.
If we are looking at the majority of statistics, an average of 50% of marriages end in divorce. A good portion of us will go through this, or at least know someone who has. It can feel isolating, lonely, and obviously really, really hard! The pain you go through when you go through a divorce can feel similar to the death of a loved one - a loss is a loss.
5:01 - When it feels like you’ve failed
No matter how different your situation may be, there is one thing in common with all divorces - a feeling of failure. You can feel embarrassed, and feel like you failed in sometimes multiple different ways. When Elizabeth felt like she was failing at her marriage, her religion, and being a mom because of her divorce, she held on tightly to the hope that she also wouldn’t fail as a business owner.
7:57 - Don’t hide your light
You don’t need to hide your light or drive because it threatens your partner. You don’t need to water down who you are to make other people feel comfortable. After trying to be less and less of who she was to help her spouse feel more comfortable, Elizabeth realized that it still wasn’t getting better with her relationship. In fact, it was hurting her.
10:29 - Danny’s Story
While Elizabeth was going through her own storm, Danny found out completely out of the blue that her husband at the time was having an affair. Amidst feeling like she wanted to just hide out at home and stay in her pajamas, she still had events to attend and work responsibilities. She says that in a way, her work saved her. Having people to show up for kept her from going into a black hole.
13:09 - Give yourself some grace
It’s okay to have grace on yourself, and forgive yourself of some things. It is okay to not be okay for a while. It’s okay to allow yourself to go through it and feel it. Let yourself cry. Dedicate time for self-care. If you don’t just ignore how you’re feeling and go through the motions, you will heal with time. It does get better and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Elizabeth remembers wondering “How the hell am I going to get through this?”. And you eventually do get through it one day at a time.
19:40 - Sometimes you just need to stay afloat
Sometimes a tragedy like a divorce can propel you forward, and sometimes you are just treading water. Either way it’s ok! Sometimes you need to take a break to keep your head above water.
21:30 - It’s an opportunity to reinvent yourself
As hard, heartbreaking, and stressful a divorce can be - it is also a beautiful opportunity to turn a page and reinvent yourself. It’s an opportunity to start fresh. You get to get back to the essence of who you are, and start becoming more of who you are. Too often in relationships we tend to lose parts of ourselves, so it’s an excellent chance to get back in touch with who you really are. The best thing you can do for yourself is work on yourself. And if you’re a business owner, your personal growth will reflect in the success you have in business.
21:52 - Ditch the shame and talk about it!
Divorce is often such a taboo subject to talk about publicly. It’s a conversation that goes on behind closed doors or is whispered about. There is so much shame and guilt attached to divorce. It doesn’t need to be shameful, and it DOES need to be talked about. We all deal with loss, and it looks different for everyone. It’s an important thing to talk about with your friends.
26:00 - If your friend or client is getting divorced
The best thing you can do for your friend or client if they are going through a divorce is to listen and don’t disappear out of their lives. Their life is blowing up, and they may act stressed or differently than they normally do, but instead of peacing out, stay and be a listening ear. Be there, be loving, and listen. Danny says some of her best friends were not judgmental and helped her make her own decisions and find her own answers.
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